Year Three, in Love as Could Be

I did a reflective post after each of my first two years of grad school (Year One Done and Year Two Through), so even if I'm a little late, I thought I'd document a Year Three, in Love as Could Be. I've included some journal quotes for your enjoyment, marked in quotes.

After spending last summer in Utah teaching a German term course at BYU (which I LOVED) and trying to get over a difficult breakup (which SUCKED), I returned to Indiana not sure what to expect for this third year in Bloomington.

A lot of what happened this year was shaped by an encounter with a new IU graduate student. I showed up to church on the first Sunday in September and after seeing this new guy, I introduced myself. His name was Dallin (which he told me was a very Mormon name, and for the first time in my life I realized Dallin was indeed a pretty Mormon name). We spent the next two and half hours making bad puns, talking about how we were both Ravenclaws, talking about our grad programs in German and in Central Eurasian Studies (focusing on Hungarian) respectively, and probably some other things I don't remember now.

We saw each other the next day too. It was Labor Day and some people from our church were playing volleyball and frisbee. He happened to be really good at both (in addition to being "a pun machine" (9/1/19)). He managed to get my number that night when we all went out to eat and he also scored an invite over to my house to watch a movie with me and my neighbors.

I didn't see him until the next weekend, when we spent a church meeting writing irreverent haikus back and forth (apparently there were a lot of church structures playing in our favor). He came over afterwards to watch a BYU football game (while I feigned slight interest) and ended up staying until 3am talking with me about language, missions, past relationships, and life.

Which may not sound like a big deal except that if you know me, you know that I think 10pm is late and anything past 11pm might as well be the morning already. So basically I was smitten if I was willing to do this so early on. I wrote in my journal, "I've never been out-punned before, so clearly I'm interested because nothing is sexier than wordplay." (9/7/19)

I was so happy to have come back to Indiana feeling healed enough to build new relationships.

A couple weeks after we met, Dallin convinced me to watch Dark Crystal (the Netflix series). In which I got strangely invested. And which happened to actually be a pretty substantial part of our beginning relationship, so his risky choice paid off big:

"Dallin held my hand while watching a strange fantasy show last night."
I felt "like a nervous 19 year-old again, thinking nothing was a bigger deal than holding hands." (9/14/19)


The semester itself was filled with Finnish, German poetry, East German thought, Jewish thought, and teaching German.
But I admit, I was very distracted by Dallin, who diligently texted me throughout the month of September, admitting I was the best part of moving to Bloomington.

The end of the month came and I found myself reflecting on the past year:
 "I was at some of my lowest lows in regards to trust of God, institutions, and romance. Did all of this damage me, help me to grow, or leave me where I started?" (9/21/19)

I think I can say as of June of 2020, that yes 2019 damaged me, and yes 2019 helped me grow.


Dallin's birthday happened to be two days before mine at the end of September. I took Dallin out to eat Indian food to celebrate and made him a cake, and then later in the night told him I wanted to kiss him. Despite my awesome setup of food bribes, he said he wasn't ready.

Which was fine and I was willing to wait for him.

But then when my birthday came around two days later, he decided he was ready enough and kissed me.
And it was awesome.
To me, he "tasted like hope." (10/4/19) (I know, super cheesy...)
I liked that he was "silly, smart, witty, athletic, competitive, attractive, and ha[d] good hands." (10/4/19).
We officially started dating soon thereafter.

Dallin learned early on in our relationship about some of my unorthodox religious beliefs within the Mormon world. Each time something surprised or initially concerned him, he'd spend some time thinking about it and come back and say maybe I wasn't as radical as he'd thought. We started our relationship with everything out there, striving for total openness from the beginning and this was HUGE for me in learning to trust Dallin.

I was totally twitter-pated.

"Dating Dallin was not something I'd anticipated, but that's one of the reasons it's great. Mercy is stronger when it's not expected." (10/20/20)

Over Thanksgiving, I went to Ghana with my friend Michael for a week and a half. Which was a dream I'd had since meeting so many Ghanians while I lived in Berlin from 2013-14 and falling in love with their lives, stories, and culture.
Like most good travel, I loved it but was also ready to go home.
"I really missed Dallin while I was gone, so much that I thought I'd maybe made up this ideal version of him, but I came back and saw him and liked him just as much." (12/3/19)

I told him I loved him when I was falling asleep one night, but said it probably shouldn't count since I wasn't fully conscious. I told him again a few days later again though and he told me he loved me too and "there wasn't really any going back for him." (12/13/19)

At about this point, I began to stress out a little bit. Because I hadn't intended on falling in love with Dallin exactly like this or things getting serious so soon. I had to fight against some of my fears and worries while also beginning the next academic semester feeling a little out of sorts. I started the semester with another Finnish course and seminars on Jewish social memory, post-modern German theater, and German morphology.

I felt woefully under qualified to participate in my theater course and doubted some of my academic abilities, but I've decided this is a normal feeling to have to academia (or maybe any profession). The skill to use what you know to make sense of something you don't know anything about turns out to be super important though. I also ended up withdrawing from Finnish because I was feeling overburdened with various time commitments, which was good in the long run but made me a feel a little bit like a failure in the short-term.


Dallin and I took two trips in January: 1) to Orlando together to visit my friend Guillermo and 2) to St. Louis for my friend Li-Mae's wedding. Traveling with Dallin was a blast and it was fun to explore new places (and enjoy new food together).


Through these trips and other experiences, I knew I wanted to marry Dallin and he told me he fully intended on marrying me. "He is so good to me--back scratches, foot rubs, arm tickles, hugs, questions/listening, and the way he looks at me always makes my heart melt a little. His eyes just scream: "I'M THE LUCKIEST GUY TO BE WITH YOU." (1/21/20)







Dallin proposed on February 12th. I was feeling grumpy because it was rainy and cold and I was stressed about some other things, but Dallin asked me to play Boggle with him. We played two rounds and I'd started to feel better (mostly because I make up words when I play Boggle and I think it's hilarious) when he asked me to check on a cake we were baking in the kitchen. I came back and I shook the boggle container to start a new round. Well, at least I tried to, but it wouldn't shake. So I opened it up to find that he had superglued the letters in to spell out WILL YOU MARRY ME? 

I said yes and cried and said yes again.

I was so excited to launch into full blown wedding planning mode, which consumed the second half of February.

Unfortunately, as soon as I had everything planned for our May wedding and our summer in Hungary and Austria, coronavirus hit and the world stopped. We slowly accepted our wedding celebrations wouldn't happen like we'd planned them (a small-scale personal sadness I'm still working through while realizing the world is experiencing much more potent pain at this time), so we decided we'd go ahead and get married in my uncle's backyard in Terre Haute in April.

Oh and adopted a puppy in March upon realizing we wouldn't be in Europe for the summer.

It wasn't what I'd expected, but nothing with Dallin had been that way and so it kind of all fit. The wedding was beautiful in its simplicity and my favorite dogs were there, even though my favorite people couldn't be there.

I finished the semester somewhat distractedly (pandemic, puppy, and marriage all considered), but we can safely assume that I was less focused on academics this most recent semester than in past ones.

I still learned a lot this year.

I learned how to love and trust again when I had lost a lot of my personal belief in love.
I got excited about future academic projects (even if I didn't get a great start on them).
I completed all of my required coursework for my PhD except for ONE course which I'm taking in the fall.
I got a puppy, who is amazing and overwhelming. And if you follow me on Instagram you know this already because she's basically the only thing I post about these days.
I got married and am learning how to compromise (mostly on food choices).

Year Three. Just as good as the previous years. But with an amazing pun machine and a cute dog by my side. Life wasn't incomplete before. But I'm glad that I have these additions and I feel super grateful to have met Dallin this year and get to keep him in my life.

Blooming together in Bloomington.