The Lists that Govern my Life

This was hard to write. I wondered if I should write it. And if I should share it. But I did write it. And want to share it because the thing that helps me most in my questions of faith is knowing that I am not alone and that struggling is not inherently a sign of weakness. So if you are in that space, I hope this helps. I wasn’t sure how vulnerable to be, so I tried to pick a middle ground, but this does lie close to my heart. In fall 2014, I considered myself a part-time feminist.  This was because I generally considered feminists as bra-burning, man-hating, revolutionary figures whose cause could occasionally be just but their methods wrong. In fall 2018, I had a two month long breakdown as a full-time feminist, a time period I call in my head:  “the fall of the patriarchy.” Specifically patriarchy in a Latter-Day Saint context. My “feminist awakening,” so to speak, started earlier than autumn that year though. In fact, it had been building slowly over th...

"Um...okay." These were words I muttered to my mom in January 2017 when she asked if I'd run a marathon with her. I had just graduated from BYU in December and was looking for ways to create purpose in what I presumed would be a downward spiral of existential angst without the learning structures of school. So I said okay. Post Marathon. Trying to pretend my body wasn't actually jello. I've been running for many years. I ran my first recreational mile with my mom in 2007 and it was awful, but eventually running became a healthy, consistent way to manage stress and be healthy and promote positive self image. I'd been asked many times along my running journey if I'd ever run a marathon and the answer was always, "Well, I've run several half marathons, but no, never a full one. That's a special type of pain and I'm not that crazy." Not yet, I wasn't. Like Tim Urban in regards to his goals of giving a TED talk, running ...