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IF YOU BORROW SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN, DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.

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We have a general sense of rules concerning cordiality.

Like not peeing in a public pool if you're over the age of 5. Or covering your mouth when you cough. Or not cutting in line. Or not spitting into peoples' soup.
And then there is one rule that everyone should know.  Seriously, everyone. 
IF YOU BORROW SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN, DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. And if you somehow forgot this golden rule,
DO NOT CHEW ON SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN. 
Due to recent events, I felt the need to make a public service announcement to remind everyone this is not okay. Ever. Just don't do it.
Here is your background:
I'm taking a beginning Yiddish class this semester (because duh) and there are three other grad students enrolled as well as one undergrad. And this poor undergrad, whom we shall call Millard for the sake of anonymity, is what some people might call a "sweet spirit" but they really mean vexing in every sense. And part of that isn't his fault because he's a…