The Lists that Govern my Life

“I cry a lot. My emotions are very close to my surface. I don’t want to hold anything in so it festers and turns into pus—a pustule of emotion that explodes into a festering cesspool of depression.” –Nicolas Cage I wrote once that I felt like I had the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. I think I’d read that somewhere else, so it’s probably plagiarism if I say that was an original tough, but I felt like it suited me. I valued intellect and ambition as a teenager and as much as I did feel emotions and try to love, I know I hardly ever let myself truly feel all the emotions my soul wanted me to experience. In the past few years, I’ve made some more conscious efforts and decisions to feel more. To feel better. (Better as an adverb.) And sometimes that sucks. Because it means I cry more. It means I feel less stable. It means I’m more at war with myself trying to figure out how I feel and how to act upon those feelings. Sometimes it’s easy to discern. Sometimes it’s not....

Today is November 9th. 27 years ago, the Berlin Wall came down.  Today is November 9th. 78 years ago, the violence of Kristallnacht brought destruction to Jewish homes, businesses, and synagogues, killing around 100 Jews. Today is November 9th. What kind of November 9th are we living in? I hope we live in a world where we try to break down walls instead of build them, where we focus on our shared humanity while also valuing our diversity. I hope we are trying to create a world where love overpowers hate. Regardless of political ideologies. I woke up on today, November 9th , with an aching heart. Wondering if my dream about trying to protect the gold and black peacocks in BYU's library was as real as watching the election unfold. An election that few had enjoyed. An election where many felt like they would lose either way. The peacocks weren't real.  The election was. And I couldn't help feeling America had lost. We elected a man whose big...

You know those perfectly perfect moments ? Those moments that are so good you have to use an adverb to describe its adjective counterpart? Those moments where ecstasy fills your soul and you just know that you couldn't be more content than this very second? Those moments are  rare. But they are powerful. And they are wonderful. You want to be able to take out a bottle that will magically hold that precious moment forever but even as you have this thought, you know the moment is slipping away... I used to think these moments would disappear and never return. In a way, they do. But in another way, they do. Just modified. Because if I have learned anything from the quarter of a century I've been breathing, it's that good things keep coming . Whether times are good or bad, the future always holds good . I was especially reminded of that this past month-- a month that made me so grateful that I live in a world of Octobers. Never before have I apprec...