IF YOU BORROW SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN, DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.

We have a general sense of rules concerning cordiality.

Like not peeing in a public pool if you're over the age of 5.

Or covering your mouth when you cough.

Or not cutting in line.

Or not spitting into peoples' soup.

And then there is one rule that everyone should know. 

Seriously, everyone. 

IF YOU BORROW SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN, DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.

And if you somehow forgot this golden rule,

DO NOT CHEW ON SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN. 

Due to recent events, I felt the need to make a public service announcement to remind everyone this is not okay. Ever. Just don't do it.

Here is your background:

I'm taking a beginning Yiddish class this semester (because duh) and there are three other grad students enrolled as well as one undergrad. And this poor undergrad, whom we shall call Millard for the sake of anonymity, is what some people might call a "sweet spirit" but they really mean vexing in every sense.

And part of that isn't his fault because he's a new college kid and doesn't speak any other languages and he's supposed to learn Yiddish with a bunch of Hebrew and/or German speaking grad students. So props to him. 

But he definitely has shown the rest of us that there is indeed such thing as a stupid question. 

In fact, there were 32 of them just today. 

Anyways, that part doesn't really matter except to give you some background. Let's talk about "the incident."

Before class begins today, Millard informs me he has forgotten his pen and could he please borrow one?

PAUSE.

Let's take a second to remember that Claire hates sharing pens with people because she is dearly attached to the pens that she uses and the thought that someone might not give it back or might abuse it pains her soul.

UNPAUSE.

I don't want to appear like the jerk that I clearly am though since I have both pen and pencil next to my notebook so I begrudgingly give him my pen. 

Which he proceeds to stick in his mouth.

Like asap. 

I swallow a gasp and glare at him to remind him of the code, you know, IF YOU BORROW SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN, DON'T PUT IT YOUR MOUTH!!

But he just looks confused at my sudden vehemence and continues to suck on my beloved pen. 

And for the next 90 minutes, not only does the pen never leave his mouth, but he even begins to chew on it. 

DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CODE?!?!

I almost lean across the table during the lecture to kindly remind him he is not a dog and by the way, DO NOT CHEW ON SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN!!!

My original annoyance turns to a mixture of wrath and disgust. 

Again and again I think, I should have told him he could borrow my pen if he promised not to suck and/or chew on it like a baby or dog, both of which he is clearly not, and maybe I can clorox it or something but OH GOSH IS THE WHOLE CAP IN HIS MOUTH NOW?!?

At the end of class, Millard didn't give me my pen back. 

He sped off with it. 

Maybe with it still in his mouth like a naughty golden retriever. 

I mourned not only its loss but its disfiguration and ultimate desecration.

Thus I remind you people of this world, IF YOU BORROW SOMEONE ELSE'S PEN, DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH. 

This has been a public service announcement from Claire.