Feeling 22

You're probably expecting another vulnerability rant. Which is admittedly sorely tempting even though I spend enough time outside blog time thinking and talking about it. But this week gave me ample opportunities to reflect on the grand scope of my life. a.k.a. all that has happened and all that is coming that I am futilely attempting to plan (shouldn’t have bought that ten-year planner…)

Anyways, to celebrate 22 years of continued existence and a title stolen from my secret-favorite artist, I wanted to make a list of 22 of the best decisions I've made in my life. Starting with the probably obvious.

    1. Getting married! Oh wait, I haven’t done that yet. Scratch that one.

    2.  Choosing to serve a mission. I know. Cheesey, mainstream pick. But my mission was personal for me. Two years ago, I was in a sad little hole that I’d dug for myself using mostly spoons. I was intensely lonely, lacking purpose and meaning, and repeatedly lasted less than three minutes at social activities before returning to my room to cry about who-knows what and bury myself in homework and watch Once Upon a Time. I don’t exactly know how I got in this rut (#sophomoregirlsydnromattacks), but I had no idea how to get out, how to move forward with life and make those big, looming decisions of almost-grown up life.

Two years ago from yesterday, I sat on my friend Jamie’s couch when President Thomas S. Monson announced that girls could go on missions at the age of nineteen. I was twenty.  

Two years ago from yesterday, I discovered that the Lord knows me and helps me personally, that He will always give me a ladder to get out of a rut, that He always gives hope, that He confirms good decisions.

3. Staying on my mission. Because missions are hard. Especially the beginning of my mission when I so oft questioned what good I was doing and my emotional capacities and if it was worth it. But guess what? It got better. In fact, it got wonderful, due largely to incredible companions, members and learners with mighty faith and great love, and my gracious God, who taught me more about myself and relationships with others and with Him than I ever could have learned in my hole at home. Or anywhere near that whole.

mission biproduct

4. Coming to BYU. I love studying here. I love the people, the classes, the environment, the culture, the inspiration to become better. I felt the something special about the campus the first time I came here and that feeling is still here.

5. Living in Wyview. a.k.a my freshman dream world where pixies and unicorns roamed freely and even accompanied my wonderful roommates and me on our many schniking adventures, which led to a plethora of worthwhile and defining relationships.

6. Taking AP Euro. My favorite class of all time. Where I was bonded together with seven other students and my brilliant teacher, who helped me learn to think. Where I also discovered how much I really loved history. 

7. Running cross-country. Thank you Mom and Krista Hiatt for your encouragement and support. Because running has become one of my definers—a part of me that I’ve been doing almost daily for nearly a decade now. Something that has helped me cope with stress and nourish meaningful relationships with others and realize that hard things are worth doing even if you don’t excel at them.

8. Working as a first-year mentor. I love talking with freshmen, hearing their life stories, seeing them discover better parts of themselves as they ride the college rollercoaster for the first time, being there to listen when people just need to talk.

9. Taking piano lessons and not giving up when my parents finally gave me the option at the ripe age of fourteen. Because even though I’m not super talented, I’ve been grateful for the chances I’ve had to play the piano at church, at other meetings, and in my home.

And here’s where I realize that if I keep going with these life choices that don’t actually matter to anyone else, no one will read to the end. Or maybe you didn’t even make it to choice number nine (which is actually eight because of the whole not-marriage decision). But if you made it to this paragraph, you probably did.

But I’m still keeping my title.

Because of the whole zeitgeist about my age.

And here’s where we get back to the vulnerability part that I said I wouldn’t bring up but oh look surprise here I am talking about it. Or writing about it. Whatever.

Because all of the best decisions I’ve made in my life have been a step into the dark, an act of courage without knowing the outcome.

Perhaps small courage, but courage nonetheless.

It’s not about doing things perfectly. Easier said than done, I know.

But “there is a crack in everything [and] that’s how the light gets it” (Brene Brown).

The light of these choices has come in through the cracks and continues to light me up.

For that I am grateful, that so much goodness could come to me in a score+two years of living.

Feeling twenty-two.

Going on through.