How to get elected into public office


It’s that time of year; the time for neighbors to become enemies and soccer moms to become a little more vicious. Time for political bumper stickers, rants against the current president of the United States on Facebook, and promises no one intends to keep. It’s presidential election time.

And mission call time. But I’ll hold off on that for a couple weeks. TBA.

Back to the presidential election.

If you’re ever interested in running for office (why you would want to be a politician I’ll never understand), definitely keep reading, for I have all the secrets for obtaining and maintaining office.

These lessons come from a study of US history as well as ads I've seen or heard. Special thanks to my US History professor, Mathew Madsen, for his excellent lectures and political advice. He’s definitely been my favorite professor this semester and would be an excellent coach for anyone interested in getting elected. In the 1830s. So here it is.

·         Promise to lower taxes. Even if you know you won’t actually do that. (e.g. every president ever)

·         Don’t run with the slogan “Elect me and I’ll take away your vote!” While catchy, most people like that they are able to vote, even if they don’t exercise that right or if they make uninformed decisions (e.g. expansion of suffrage throughout time)

·         Don’t horsewhip your voters. They probably won’t vote for you if you do that. (e.g. James Henry Hammond had the self-restraint not to do this, however great his aristocratic urge to do so. This seems like common sense, but you’d be surprised.)

·         Win a battle called something memorable (e.g. Tippecanoe)

·         Claim to be born in a log cabin. Even if you’ve never step foot in such a place. (e.g. every president ever…especially those in the 1800s. I may have heard Bush say he was born in a log cabin too though.)

·         Dislike people in private, not in public. (e.g. don’t belittle your voters like William Cooper)

·         Don’t wear silk underwear. (e.g. European aristocrats. They didn’t get elected, but the fancy silk underwear would have been a significant obstacle when their voters sometimes didn’t even wear underwear)

·         Hide your mansions and your wife’s mansions and any other visible wealth that makes you seem better than everyone else. (e.g. John Kerry and see also log cabin)

·         Pretend you’re in the middle class. Everyone wants to be in the middle class, whether they’re poor or rich. (e.g. Jackson and the rise of the common man)

·         Pick on minorities to maintain rights of the majority, because they’re keeping you in office. (e.g. Jackson and the Indians)

·         Threaten and bribe. (e.g. 1880s through the 1910s and before and after too)

·         Promise peace. (e.g. every president ever. Try running with the slogan “More war for everyone!” Not effective)

·         Write a catchy election song. (e.g. Whigs in the 1830s for Harrison and Tyer; look upthe song!)

·         Don’t put ads on Pandora. (e.g. Obama and Romney’s obnoxious ads concerning the corrupted character of the other)

Do all those things and you, too, can spend the next two, four, or six years toiling for the people in public office. Remember that you’ll always be less popular after that time though. Unless you die in office. Then you have a chance to be remembered as great J

That is all.

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