Because love.

I felt a lot of feelings this week, as is common for human beings. But this week, I really felt them. Hard, uncomfortable feelings that went beyond the normal what-the-heck-am-I-doing feelings.

I know everyone has read and written and yelled more than they want to know about the LDS Church's new announcement regarding the exclusion of same-sex couple's children from baptism until adulthood and baby blessings. So even though my words are just more in the sea of controversy, I wanted to express them. Maybe for my sake, maybe for yours.

I got home from serving a mission for my church 16 months ago. So basically a year and a half ago. And it's been a heck of a year switching from the absolutism that governs missionary life to the myriad of questions and life circumstances that don't seem quite as easy as laid out in Preach my Gospel. I've struggled to figure out what I believe as an individual, apart from institution and apart from family and apart from role models. And I have come to accept a series of paradoxes that may not always sit nice and quietly in my heart and mind but that can be tamed by an ultimate trust in God. 

There are policies in the LDS church that I do not agree with. Take for example this most recent one, which just breaks my heart. For a church that emphasizes inclusion and focuses so much on missionary work, this seems like another paradox.
I have listened to the justifications for the handbook change--like it not affecting that many people (so why does it matter) and protecting children from awkward circumstances (so it's abut protecting them) and simply being consistent in policy (so just listen to the prophet)--and I haven't quite been able to swallow them.

Because even if there is a small percentage of people directly affected right now, doesn't this limit the growth of the church and hurts both church members and friends? Because wouldn't you deal with children of same-sex couples investigating the church on a case-by-case basis, just as is often common for Muslim children? Because if the church thinks that same sex marriage is a sin, does it also think that this situation is worse for children than those who live with cohabiting couples or abusive parents, whose lifestyles are also reproached by the church? Because didn't President Uchtdorf just tell the world that there was a place for them in this church? Because hasn't the church definitely changed over the past 200 years? So wouldn't it seems like it would keep progressing as an institution as we get closer to God's vision for us?
Hard thoughts, I know. And that's just a start.

Cognitive dissonance intact though, I'm staying in this church.


Because.


I believe in a loving Father in Heaven.
I believe in Jesus Christ and His healing and redeeming Atonement.
I believe in the restoration of the Gospel and in the Book of Mormon.
I believe in prophets.
I also believe that prophets are men and can make mistakes.
I believe that the LDS church does not have a monopoly on truth and that God gives truth to many people and groups in various forms.
I believe in multiple perspectives.
I believe that God loves His children.
I believe in personal revelation.
I believe in grace.
I believe in goodness. Wherever it comes from.
I believe I won't understand everything (or maybe anything) until I'm dead.

And so I trust in God. And I trust in His pure love during this confusing mortal sojourn.

Because love. 

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