Claire's Top Five Worst Christmas Movies
You've been waiting all month for it. You've watched several yourself. And now it's here.
Claire's Top Five Worst Christmas Movies.
Disclaimer: I actually only watched twelve. There are probably hundreds more but I ran out of time and mental capacity. The seven that aren't ranked will get honorable mention at the bottom.
5. A Dogwalker's Christmas Tale
From the opening scene, it's already impossible to take the movie seriously. The main character, what's-her-face, springs up from bed exclaiming "5 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!" It gets better when she meets up with her boyfriend to exchange Christmas presents, only for him to say "I didn't know we were dating." And then she gets all huffy because as it turns out, he also doesn't like Christmas. Then she goes crazy and yells something like, "I am a flavorful, flawless peppermint milk and you're some day old coffee with a dinky packet of splenda." Classic, right? Also she bought him an expensive watch with her parents money, even though she is an adult. Also classy. The rest of the story is about as substantial as the opening scene: she ends up having to walk her boss's dog even though she doesn't like dogs and ends up at a dog park where she falls (literally) into a handsome vet-man who spends the next four days changing her soul and falling in love with her because we all need a little more dog in our lives.
My mom said, "This movie drives the spirit away."
Victor Hugo mumbled, "I don't know what was worse: the acting or plot line."
Trailer here.
4. Christmas Crush
Picture a Christmas-themed high school reunion in a universe where the only way to tell the difference between the past and the present is by observing cheesy flashbacks. Oh and let's not forget that our vet friend from the Dogwalker's Nightmare (Jonathan Bennett) decided that his way to success was not his role in Mean Girls but in bad Christmas movies, starring in not two but three of the twelve movies I watched. Anyways, the main character feels bad that she hasn't done anything since high school because she only works as a mere assistant at a fashion place: "stuffing bras and zipping zippers" is the official work description repeated throughout the film. You have no idea how long after high school this is because they avoid using years but our main girl (who we kinda hate) wishes she would have married her jerk boyfriend from high school even though her awesome, nice best friend from high school (good ol' Jonathan) has been in love with her forever and actually treats her kinda nice. But she is dumb and it's Christmas and everyone is stuck in their old high school going through seizures of montages and flashbacks and terrible musical numbers.
"A terrible representation of mankind," complained Mr. Summers of the New York Times.
Trailer here.
3. A Christmas Kiss II
First, you should know there is also a Christmas Kiss I with pretty much the same plot but different people, so you know the second one has to be even better than the first. Wanna-be-designer girl works for a demanding boss. Demanding boss has an attractive, player brother. Brother comes to visit and kisses wanna-be-designer girl in the elevator within the first few minutes of the movie (and by kisses, I mean they make out pretty hard), so we already have our climax. Except he is kind of a tramp and hangs out with trampy people so his trampy girlfriend is actually waiting for him when the elevator opens after his make out session (#makeoutmistletoe). The rest of the movie is him not trying to be a tramp because he loves wanna-be-designer and he does some nice things for her to prove his love and even though she is hesitant, when he proposes in the elevator at the end of the movie (so like a week after meeting?), she says yes. Oh, did I mention her best friend is good old Jonathan Bennett?
"The best science fiction I've seen in a long time," hailed Ms. Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
Trailer here.
2. Christmas in the City
Okay, this one was terrible because 4 out of the 5 main characters made me want to vomit due to acting and personality failures. Stressed single mom loves Christmas, her father's business, and her whiney daughter, so she goes to the city to work at a toy store to make money to save aforementioned business (because toy store salespeople make big bucks, duh). Too bad there is a crazy lady trying not only to commercialize but also sexualize Christmas, so she hires male models to sport Santa speedos and also fires the real Santa. Good thing the store owner loves stressed single mom with whiney daughter and he steps in to save the day and fires crazy lady. Plus while he's at it, he buys stressed single mom with whiney's daughter's father's business so she can keep it. What a saint.
"I thought the removal of individuality was a nice touch--I mean, I couldn't personally love any of the characters, and admittedly it was a little awkward for them to fall in love without having real personalities, but what I'm really saying is that the models in Christmas speedos would make any mom go shopping at that store," muttered the crazy cat lady down the street.
Trailer here.
1. Merry Kissmas
We got some more elevator magic going on in this winner. Nice girl is engaged to selfish jerk with a scripted British accent who hates Christmas even though he's directing a special production of The Nutcracker. She knows he is a jerk but thinks it's okay until she runs into an elevator with cute chef, whom she kisses because mistletoe and also she's escaping a crazy old lady and what better way than to start kissing the guy in the elevator? This is good for him because a different crazy lady smooched cute chef in the same elevator right before and he didn't have anywhere to run. Cute chef and nice girl both can't stop thinking about their magical mistletoe kiss. Cute chef's sister advices him, "If what they say about the elevator is true, it paired you two for a reason." He and nice girl that is, not he and old-crazy lady.
BUT JUST WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT THE ELEVATOR?!?
Cute chef turns out to be catering nice girl and self jerk's engagement party in a couple of days and he gets to work with nice girl on the food. Nice girl dumps selfish jerk and she and cute chef spend the best of times together, portrayed by the usual happy montage of magical moments over two days time. Except then selfish jerk apologizes and she goes back to him, but then as it turns out he's still a jerk so she finds cute chef in an elevator again and they end up together.
"This movie made me stay in an elevator for three weeks straight in hopes of getting a kiss," admitted Rosa Luxemburg.
"The constant surprises kept me guessing the whole time!" exclaimed an Amish lad who had never seen a movie before.
Trailer here.
And the honorary mentions, all of which include My Santa (bitter single mom falls in love with Santa Claus's son), Marry Me for Christmas (rather than come home single, I'll pretend I'm married to my assistant so my family will think I'm cool. Then I'll realize he's a jerk and instead marry a kid I hated during my childhood but maybe he's probably not so bad as an adult), A Christmas Kiss (once again, the pinnacle is reached within the first five minutes with a classic elevator kiss), A Boyfriend for Christmas (Santa literally gives a woman the perfect boyfriend--"I always thought my heart would catch on fire, I just didn't think it would be from my Christmas present."), Back to Christmas (Christmas-hating boyfriend doesn't want kids, so it's probably a thing our Christmas and kid-loving protagonist dumps him and goes for her neighbor she hasn't seen since they were teenagers in this time warp where she gets to go back to last Christmas to change things), 12 Dates of Christmas (picture Groundhog Day in a woman's attempts to get a perfect Christmas Eve date), and finally, A Christmas Special: Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir (which admittedly was only 22 minutes long but was probably the worst 22 minute special I've seen).
So next time you are trying to fall in love at Christmastime, don't forget to go real Christmas-tree shopping together and kiss in an elevator.
Merry Christmas.
Claire's Top Five Worst Christmas Movies.
Disclaimer: I actually only watched twelve. There are probably hundreds more but I ran out of time and mental capacity. The seven that aren't ranked will get honorable mention at the bottom.
5. A Dogwalker's Christmas Tale
From the opening scene, it's already impossible to take the movie seriously. The main character, what's-her-face, springs up from bed exclaiming "5 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!" It gets better when she meets up with her boyfriend to exchange Christmas presents, only for him to say "I didn't know we were dating." And then she gets all huffy because as it turns out, he also doesn't like Christmas. Then she goes crazy and yells something like, "I am a flavorful, flawless peppermint milk and you're some day old coffee with a dinky packet of splenda." Classic, right? Also she bought him an expensive watch with her parents money, even though she is an adult. Also classy. The rest of the story is about as substantial as the opening scene: she ends up having to walk her boss's dog even though she doesn't like dogs and ends up at a dog park where she falls (literally) into a handsome vet-man who spends the next four days changing her soul and falling in love with her because we all need a little more dog in our lives.
My mom said, "This movie drives the spirit away."Victor Hugo mumbled, "I don't know what was worse: the acting or plot line."
Trailer here.
4. Christmas Crush
Picture a Christmas-themed high school reunion in a universe where the only way to tell the difference between the past and the present is by observing cheesy flashbacks. Oh and let's not forget that our vet friend from the Dogwalker's Nightmare (Jonathan Bennett) decided that his way to success was not his role in Mean Girls but in bad Christmas movies, starring in not two but three of the twelve movies I watched. Anyways, the main character feels bad that she hasn't done anything since high school because she only works as a mere assistant at a fashion place: "stuffing bras and zipping zippers" is the official work description repeated throughout the film. You have no idea how long after high school this is because they avoid using years but our main girl (who we kinda hate) wishes she would have married her jerk boyfriend from high school even though her awesome, nice best friend from high school (good ol' Jonathan) has been in love with her forever and actually treats her kinda nice. But she is dumb and it's Christmas and everyone is stuck in their old high school going through seizures of montages and flashbacks and terrible musical numbers.
"A terrible representation of mankind," complained Mr. Summers of the New York Times.
Trailer here.
3. A Christmas Kiss II
First, you should know there is also a Christmas Kiss I with pretty much the same plot but different people, so you know the second one has to be even better than the first. Wanna-be-designer girl works for a demanding boss. Demanding boss has an attractive, player brother. Brother comes to visit and kisses wanna-be-designer girl in the elevator within the first few minutes of the movie (and by kisses, I mean they make out pretty hard), so we already have our climax. Except he is kind of a tramp and hangs out with trampy people so his trampy girlfriend is actually waiting for him when the elevator opens after his make out session (#makeoutmistletoe). The rest of the movie is him not trying to be a tramp because he loves wanna-be-designer and he does some nice things for her to prove his love and even though she is hesitant, when he proposes in the elevator at the end of the movie (so like a week after meeting?), she says yes. Oh, did I mention her best friend is good old Jonathan Bennett?
"The best science fiction I've seen in a long time," hailed Ms. Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
Trailer here.
2. Christmas in the City
Okay, this one was terrible because 4 out of the 5 main characters made me want to vomit due to acting and personality failures. Stressed single mom loves Christmas, her father's business, and her whiney daughter, so she goes to the city to work at a toy store to make money to save aforementioned business (because toy store salespeople make big bucks, duh). Too bad there is a crazy lady trying not only to commercialize but also sexualize Christmas, so she hires male models to sport Santa speedos and also fires the real Santa. Good thing the store owner loves stressed single mom with whiney daughter and he steps in to save the day and fires crazy lady. Plus while he's at it, he buys stressed single mom with whiney's daughter's father's business so she can keep it. What a saint.
"I thought the removal of individuality was a nice touch--I mean, I couldn't personally love any of the characters, and admittedly it was a little awkward for them to fall in love without having real personalities, but what I'm really saying is that the models in Christmas speedos would make any mom go shopping at that store," muttered the crazy cat lady down the street.
Trailer here.
1. Merry Kissmas
We got some more elevator magic going on in this winner. Nice girl is engaged to selfish jerk with a scripted British accent who hates Christmas even though he's directing a special production of The Nutcracker. She knows he is a jerk but thinks it's okay until she runs into an elevator with cute chef, whom she kisses because mistletoe and also she's escaping a crazy old lady and what better way than to start kissing the guy in the elevator? This is good for him because a different crazy lady smooched cute chef in the same elevator right before and he didn't have anywhere to run. Cute chef and nice girl both can't stop thinking about their magical mistletoe kiss. Cute chef's sister advices him, "If what they say about the elevator is true, it paired you two for a reason." He and nice girl that is, not he and old-crazy lady.
BUT JUST WHAT DO THEY SAY ABOUT THE ELEVATOR?!?
Cute chef turns out to be catering nice girl and self jerk's engagement party in a couple of days and he gets to work with nice girl on the food. Nice girl dumps selfish jerk and she and cute chef spend the best of times together, portrayed by the usual happy montage of magical moments over two days time. Except then selfish jerk apologizes and she goes back to him, but then as it turns out he's still a jerk so she finds cute chef in an elevator again and they end up together.
"This movie made me stay in an elevator for three weeks straight in hopes of getting a kiss," admitted Rosa Luxemburg.
"The constant surprises kept me guessing the whole time!" exclaimed an Amish lad who had never seen a movie before.
Trailer here.
So next time you are trying to fall in love at Christmastime, don't forget to go real Christmas-tree shopping together and kiss in an elevator.
Merry Christmas.
Love it! Thanks so much Claire!
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