Wholehearted


Yesterday, I started reading Brene Brown's Gifts of Imperfection. 
Seeing as I can get paid to read stuff like that because it makes me a better peer mentor and all. 
Hypothetically speaking of course. 
Because I think I apply vulnerability and imperfection in the wrong areas. 
Like breakfast. 
And let's be real, putting different kinds of fruits and varying amounts of spinach in my smoothies isn't actually that daring, but when they don't turn out so well, I claim it was because I was daring greatly. 
#liesItellmyself
Though I actually often regret my small scale vulnerabilities more than my larger ones, even when I get explosions from both. Strange how that works.

Anyways, vulnerability is connected to being wholehearted. Brene Brown did a bunch of research and studies and what-not and came up with a list of words that are connected with wholehearted people.
  • worthiness
  • play
  • faith 
  • rest
  • trust
  • intuition
  • hope
  • belonging
  • joy 
  • gratitude
  • creativity
And a list of what doesn't classify wholehearted:
  • perfection
  • numbing
  • certainty
  • exhaustion
  • self-sufficiency
  • being cool
  • fitting in
  • judgment
  • scarcity
Now I don't know about you, but a lot of those things in that secondary category definitely characterize my life. I've always wanted to be independent, to be able to stand alone when I need to. And heck, certainty is the thing that I crave most of all for the future and yet I can never find it; therefore I have to cling to faith. Which apparently is what I should have done in the first place if I wanted to live whole heartedly. Faith that good grades will come. That relationships will work out. That friendships will last. That I'll be able to find happiness throughout my life and into the eternities.

I think sometimes I interpret being wholehearted as being a little reckless, about following intuition even if I have to burn down several bridges. Making me feel like some poor revolutionary peasant who is going to get cut down any second and die without fulfilling her cause. But at least she tried? And by that I mean, SHE TRIED. So she won. Not that we live in a society where effort is rewarded nearly as much as results, but I think it's worth praising. 
I see the value of wholehearted people everywhere though, they always seem to be my favorite people in history. People like Erasmus, Martin Luther, John Calvin, and Napoleon (I realize that last one is definitely in a different kind of whole heartedness, but still worth mentioning) who daringly followed their consciences. Plus the billions of unnamed peasants who maybe were just jumping on the bandwagon or got in the way but there must of been some that were seeking betterment. 

My life is pretty fantastic right now (especially compared to peasants at pretty much any point in history, even the ones who didn't get massacred), yet even so, when the smallest things go array, I want to numb those feelings. I run. I bury myself in books and papers and grammar. I bake. I clean and organize. I focus on the certain things in life. Like drinking water. But by doing that, I'm depriving myself of so many important feelings. Like it says in the Book of Mormon, "For there must needs be an opposition in all things. If not so...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness, nor misery." (2 Nephi 2:11). 

I believe God wants us to live wholeheartedly. Beyond occasionally mixing up our breakfast routine (though you can definitely put some heart and soul into your breakfast creations). He wants us to have a fullness of joy and if we block out pain and mistakes, we miss that joy. 

Brene Brown wrote, "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough...yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging...embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy--the experiences that makes us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

Yeah, I know; she's boss. 

I think one has to be brave to stay in academic spheres and religious spheres and social spheres. Places where you can never quite reach 100%, where you can always do better. Places where there is no certainty, no perfection, and so you need to make time for play, for rest, for gratitude, and creativity to be successful. Because being wholehearted is also about finding harmony. 
 
Feeling deeply. 
Discovering light. 
Having faith. 

That’s what makes us wholehearted.

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