Emotional Explosions

Last week, I was a nervous wreck.
This week, I was an emotional explosion.
You know those weeks when those random, little things make you weep like a child—like seeing pictures of blind puppies or holding a stuffed platypus or running out of colored pens because everything seems to forebode stormy skies?

That was this week for me.




My mom wrote me on my mission once (okay, actually a lot more than once; she was pretty much the best writer ever) after my little brother had left for college and admitted that she’d started bursting into tears whenever she saw babies or commercials for diapers or other things that reminded her she was an empty-nester and though I have no excuse as traumatic as that, I felt similarly this week. Regarding the whole crying sporadically.

You know, just doing my thing and then suddenly I'm weeping like a toddler while watching movies, talking to friends, doing homework, trying to plan the future, seeing the future fall apart, etc. The usual things that bring tears to one’s eyes, right?

Maybe it’s because I started a health challenge where I can no longer find comfort by eating a bucket (or a vat) of ice cream and am thus forced to confront my feelings with their full force.
Which has always been hard for me and will always be so. Because heck, I don’t even know what I want 98% of the time and feelings seem to grow and change so rapidly it’s not worth trying to stay caught up on them. I thought I’d moved past my tendencies to procrastinate my emotions, but present life has since proved otherwise and I’m still working on it.

I read something from Neal A. Maxwell on my mission that really touched me regarding my desire to ”deal with” my emotions, und zwar:

“GOD REQUIRES OF US A CAPACITY TO FEEL.”

Bam. That is it. All my obsessions with vulnerability, with finding happiness, with creating a future. It’s all about feeling. And not only is something God wants us to do, but it is a requirement. Something expected of us, something required of us if we really want to grow and really want to progress.
I believe God feels incredibly deeply.
And I believe he wants us to develop that capacity as well.
 
So even though I’ve been a nasty explosion of emotions this week, shooting tears from every angle at random, unexpected moments, it’s part of the process.
It’s part of feeling everything.
It’s part of progress.
It’s a part of growing up.

And however silly they may be, my emotions are a central part of me.
And I don’t want to shun that.


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