The Lists that Govern my Life

That sounds like a good title of a book.  But here is why I've felt like a robot more days than not this summer: I work all the time doing the same thing over and over again. A robot could definitely do my job. But I'm glad they hired a semi-human being like me to work. I have created very few new relationships or friendships this summer. And robots don't have friends. I haven't written any papers all summer. And robots can't write good papers, which is why they don't go to school. I've listened to dozens of books this summer almost mechanically. And even though books are a human invention, the way I've been going through them you'd think I was a book-reading robot. So when I'm feeling like life is kind of pointless and wondering why robots (and goldfish) even exist and where their motivational for life is, I remind myself that I'm a real human being. Here is how I know I'm not a robot: I took an acryllic paint class this summer...

I'm going back to my lists. Hopefully that doesn't mean I'm regressing. But they're safe. I'll throw in a few paragraphs here and there if I'm feeling adventurous. With verbs and nouns and adjectives and adverbs. So I kind of freaked out tonight when my parents ask me to make a phone call to HP about my laptop. And here would be why. I hate calling people I don't know on the phone, and sometimes people I do know. I don't like not being able to see their faces. I also feel like I'm interrupting peoples' lives, even toll free numbers where people get paid to answer phones. I don't know why, because if they didn't want to talk to me, they probably wouldn't answer the phone. I sometimes get asked questions that I don't know the answer to. Actually, many times. And not knowing answers makes me nervous. Which brings us to a psychological issue of not wanting to show weakness and frailty. And this will ultimately lead to my down...

It's been a while. But don't worry, I haven't had a lot of interesting thoughts. Or interesting events come up. My summer life has consisted of running, working, and watching Psych. But two of those things are dwindling, for I ran a half marathon on Saturday and I only have three more episodes of Psych left on netflix. Work has gotten better since I started listening to books on CD while I clean though and my summer reading list has sky rocketed. You would think that my existence would seem more and more pointless the more days that I continue on like this. BUT tis not so, for my brother returns in two days from his two year mission. Every five minutes someone screams out how soon his return is and then we carry on with our normal conversations. This excitement is enough to make anyone's life better though. That and I'm getting out of my cave more and interacting with other humans. Therefore, my abilities for speech are much better than they were a month ago...

My life is currently made up of countdowns. 10 more rooms to clean. 3 more check outs at the hotel. 3 weeks until my half marathon. 10 weeks of work left. 3 more months until school starts. 1 year until I can turn in mission papers. And the most pressing countdown is....29 days until Taylor returns to our family! The present has never been my favorite time, but usually I'm more fixated with the past rather than the future. I get caught up in grandeur castles, foolish aristocrats, and humble peasants from hundreds of years ago, but now, I just can't wait for things to come. Clocks keep ticking in my head; waiting for the alarms to go off puts me on egde and probably raises my blood pressure. Good thing I run. And tragically gave up sugar until the half is over. So, I'll continue counting down, because I'm totally capable of that math.

I often talk about the men that live in my head. I think they deserve some more mention right now. So I have a couple dozen dead people (sadly only three women: Catherine the Great, Elizabeth I, and Jane Austen) that sit upstairs while drinking coffee, smoking cigars, and discussing philosophy. They often argue with each other and try to help me make decisions. No, I'm not a schizophrenic. They really existed and have simply left their personas behind. Sometimes they give good advice. Sometimes, not so much. I keep them around anyways. The purpose in explaining the above was to tell you (ambiguous pronoun...who knows who I'm talking to) that there has been a Spanish Inquisition up there. But not in a religious, bloody manner. I started a job at a hotel this week and everyone who works there speaks Spanish. Except me. I know four Spanish verbs and a smattering of nouns, but that aids me little, especially when the other ladies don't speak English. Only one of the men...

I approve of love stories whole heartedly. I just think we go overboard sometimes. I've been home from BYU for over two weeks now and my social interactions in Colorado Springs have been slim to none. But I've grown so accustomed to spending a lot of time with friends all the time (they're called roommates) and attractive guys with sparkling personalities that I don't know how I was satisfied with this life before I left. Granted, I had friends at school and from sports, not to mention my bordering on unhealthy ardor for my classes at school, but my social life was at its prime during my freshmen year of college. To make up for the lack of human friends here, I've buried myself in a myriad of books and movies. Yes, my Jane Austen dosage has been too high. Yes, my history books have been somewhat neglected, unless they contain some kind of love story too. Don't judge. Actually, it's ok if you are judging. I probably would. Anyways... Love stories are gr...

Write about the things that keep you awake at night. I firmly believe that people have their deepest thoughts right before they fall to sleep. Unfortunately, we forget them by the morn and start the cycle all over again the next night. Society could have progressed a lot farther by now if we only remembered the things that we thought about at night. However, I doubt few people think about the things that I do, or maybe I'm just flattering myself. I do think about some normal things: family, love, marriage, what I need to do the next day... Lately however, I've been thinking a lot about my historical footprint. Yes, laugh all you want, but I wish so dearly that others might have left more evidence of their existences and even a window to their souls. So many people are lost, not because they weren't incredible or brilliant, but simply because we have no record of them. Their diaries, lists, notes: time has eaten them. Therefore, every time I try to clean my room...